18 April 2011

Walking on Quicksand

I am almost literally stumbling into Holy Week. Have you ever lost your balance and found yourself running forward to keep from falling down? That is about where I am! I am not complaining, just describing. Frankly, it is really awesome. I have put a lot of hard work into this school year, and it is coming to a close with so much to be thankful for. We are definitely not where we were at the beginning of the year. But I am definitely not in control of things at this point. The difference is that I am enjoying this lack of control. I only hope that I am not driving everyone around me crazy. I am trying to rely on others much more. I am becoming more content with giving my best effort rather than holding myself to a notion of perfection. Sometimes I do feel like I am going to crash, but somehow things pull back together and continue stumbling forward. Saturday afternoon was one of those near melt-down times, but through the kindness of friends peace returned. I am reminded of a line from a crazy movie that goes something like this: "she worships the quicksand I walk on." Walking on quicksand -- that's it.

I took the opportunity to go to confession to one of the priests who had come for confessions yesterday afternoon on campus. He is my spiritual director -- God bless him! I confessed this crazy state that I have been in. He asked just how was this a sin. Well, we was right. It is not a sin to be in this state. I did give into to sinful anger and irritation at times during it, but the state itself is not a sin. He said that it is the state of being a priest! It is a state which drives us to be Jesus almost in desperation because we cannot be ourselves. We become Jesus almost in spite of our best efforts: when our best efforts are woefully inadequate and just too small. The bigness that is required to pull this off comes only from Him. I have been reading something like this in Fr. Benedict Groeschel, come to think of it. There comes a choice between running out onto the quicksand or turning back. Well, here goes!

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